Spouse finder

One of the most sure ways to live a happy life is to be in a healthy marriage.

But how we find such a relationship has radically changed — for better or worse.

I saw a data set the other day that went back into the 1930s. At that time in America, most people found their spouse through family connections. One person’s parents hung out with their parents, so these two kids would grow up together and that friendship would turn into something a little more.

On that list of how people got together were a smattering of other things. As time went on, most marriage relationships were found through friends. The influence of the family unit dramatically decreased and was replaced by exterior social circles. Couples began to be formed out of the workplace. Bars became a popular place to find a partner.

Then, in the 1990s, relationships begin to be formed online, consistently growing until 2012 where it became the dominant way couples met each other.

Why this matters

Relationship is core to what it means to be human. Good relationships lead to greater life satisfaction, which is something I desire for everyone. I also know how beneficial being in a stable marriage has been for me and my life trajectory. I also am in the relationship business; the church is very much about strengthening social networking.

Because relationship is so core, it is essential to understand how people are finding and forming relationships.

I think a big reason that the first shift away from family to friends came about because technology increased individualism. As people were able to travel further distances faster, and people were more able to move around the country distancing themselves from the family unit, the family became less influential over partner choices.

The second shift, from friends to online, opened the amount of choice we have over potential partners. The circle of people we might meet through friends is limited to who they know. But the internet knows nearly everyone. The neighbor down the street that you never see due to busy schedules or the person across the world you’d never know existed are now presented as potential partners with the swipe of a thumb.

Evaluation

I actually think that this shift is good in a lot of ways. Online dating gives the ability for individuals to have control over their dating process. Online dating gives the one seeking the ability to find someone they may have never met otherwise. Most positive, I think that there is a layer of protection that is beneficial.

Negatively, I am afraid that this abundance of choice has caused a sort of paralysis surrounding relationship. That we feel the other person needs to be a perfect fit, meeting a certain set of criteria. But, in reality, the expectations we have begun to set for potential partners has slipped into fantasy. The 6’5”, blue eyes, finance guy may not actually be as good of a fit for you as the short guy in construction. The girl of your dreams may not actually be a trad wife with who fits into the .01% of beauty standards.

I also think that, for those of us in a business where relationships impact the outcome, it is important to understand how forming relationships is happening. And right now, online is dominant. Which is exactly why I believe, if you want to make an impact and form relationships, the best way to do so is in person. Being online is important to make that first impression. But to stand out from the crowd, you can’t do the same thing everyone else is doing. There is huge value in getting away from the screen and shaking a hand, sharing a smile, and talking.

If you liked this post, or you feel like it would start a good conversation, please share this with your friends and ask them to subscribe.

It would help me a lot. Thanks for reading! 

More from the Spark Newsletter universe

New videos coming out weekly: https://youtube.com/@thejacobhayward?si=JHgwOjGP_-FwY3l0

Follow me on X for newest updates: https://x.com/thejacobhayward?s=21