Digital dating and the collapse in birth rate

The data makes it clear that we have a worldwide population collapse. There are many mothers who, for a host of reasons, are not having children though they are prime child-bearing age. This has caused a significant shortfall in births, threatening a population collapse.

Some people say that a sharp decline in population size will actually prove beneficial, as it will depress economic factors and provide more for less people. Others argue that, because our current system is built on the idea that the population will remain the same size or increase into the future, not having kids risks upsetting the entire current system.

I am less concerned with whether it is good or bad, and more concerned with how we got here.

To get married and have children have always been part of the fabric of humanity. It seems concerning that something in our current culture has dramatically shifted this part of the human experience.

Although there are many factors such as financial or security concerns that have influenced this shift, my attention has been drawn to the problem of finding the right partner.

There has never been a moment where people have had more access to eligible partners, and yet there has never been a more difficult time to partner and have children.

What is it about our current age of digital dating that may have negatively impacted our ability to find marriage partners?

Too many choices: Online dating places the world of eligible relationships at our fingertips. This seems to be a blessing, but it turns out to be a curse. With so many options, it is hard to be content with whoever it is you choose to “settle” on.

Superficiality: A dating app forces the user to observe another person’s bio and a few photos in order that they make a judgement of whether this person is a possible match for them or not. No person I have ever met can be summed up in such a way. People are extremely complicated, and this type of quick sorting only benefits those who are the most attractive or best at selling themselves. What makes an attractive partner is not necessarily their astounding beauty or ability to write copy, but their character. What drew me to my wife, though she is beautiful, was how she saw and interacted with the world around her. Her character is hardly intelligible by a carousel of photos. Humans are deep creatures, and having a successful marriage and children is deep work.

Disposable friendships: Because of the prevalence of other online profiles, there is a knowledge that, if this current relationship is not going perfectly, I will be able to wasp this person for another one. There really is no reason to commit to anyone not perfect because there is a sense that they are so easily replaced. People lose their humanity and become a disposable product. Once they have lost their usefulness, it is time to find another human.

Lofty expectations, deceptive presentation: Social media has gifted us unrealistic expectations for relationships and life more generally. Everyone is able to present the best parts of their life online. And when you are trying to find a partner, you certainly try to present the best parts of who you are. This not only hides parts of your self, but it also sets up potential matches for failure. You cannot live up to the perfect world you put out. But also, the other person has formed unrealistic expectations for what a relationship can be. Life is not just date nights out and beach vacations. Sometimes you have to rent before you can own. You have to drive a beater before getting something new and shiny. Work comes before play.

Not enough time: All the time we spend on social media and dating apps and screens more generally has stolen the time we need to form deep relationships and to truly form a knowledge of another person. We claim we are out of time, but the reality is many people spend their time distracted, wishing they had a relationship without doing the things necessary to form a relationship.

What’s the big deal?

It is a big deal that we are losing the ways that we have always formed relationships. I am so happy for people that have used social media and dating apps to make a relationship work. I have friends who have gotten married to people they met on an app. That is great!

But we are losing our ability to relate as a whole. Community is degrading.

This is why church is building a comeback. It is important for churches to have a digital footprint. But what makes church special is because it is incarnational. It is flesh. people meet with one another and love one another. Real relationships are formed where people meet with one another and hear one another.

Church is the medicine for the illnesses of the digital age. And church is a place that allows the digital world to come alongside the physical, rather than putting the digital in the forefront.

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It would help me a lot. Thanks for reading! 

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